blogs can be deceiving. I never want mine to be one of the deceiving ones. It is so hard for me to pick out what I want to write down from our days. Just like many of you, I choose the good memories or the funny memories to blog about because those are the ones i want to remember. Sometimes I think I want to blog about the tough ones, but then i feel like I’m complaining. Which, if I’m honest, sometimes I want to complain.
I write this because my heart is hurting for a friend who lost her life recently. I went to high school with her and many rumors are flying all around about how she lost her life. I have come to the conclusion that we probably won’t know the details this side of heaven. And honestly, once we are in the presence of the Savior the whys won’t matter anymore. He will be enough. He is enough. I am pretty sure she is there now – in His presence, and that gives me comfort.
I am writing this post because I hurt to think that my life on this blog hurt my friend’s life at all. The enemy so wants to use small ways to cut us down and hurt us…to make us doubt that we are worth nothing. One way I think he does that is by comparison. Blogs lend themselves to that. Most bloggers that I know are moms, and sometimes, i have to say, its hard for me not to compare myself to them, to you. I have to watch my train of thought and look at them as examples to follow, not to cut down on what I am or am not doing.
So, I just want to be real tonight. I have had a stinking hard three days, and it all came unraveling this afternoon. We’ve been in the re-entry phase of travel. If you have traveled with small children, you know this phase lasts just about as long as your trip did (2 1/2 weeks for us). Also, let me add that it’s Wednesday, and Chris won’t be home until late due to back to school kickoff. That already starts my day off peachy. I try to stand tall through the day, but i start withering around 4 knowing backup aint coming through the door. Okay, the scene is set.
So, back to the afternoon…Harps has wanted me to hold her ever since we got home from NC. Like not put her down. Ever. She was very sick in NC & I did a lot of holding there, but her brothers are getting much more mobile, not to mention are almost as big as she is, so jealousy is there, too.
After telling her no i couldn’t hold her for the millionth time, she wouldn’t eat dinner because I was giving my attention to the boys to make sure they were eating dinner. I decided to not fight this battle and take her out of her seat. Why She could eat later…kids eat when their hungry. After the boys ate they were covered head to toe in food, so I declared it bath time. Don’t get me wrong, I seem like I used great wisdom here, but I continued to feed the boys while giving Harper the cold shoulder. Really? Why am I acting like I am 14 to my 2 year old?!?
During bath time (which you know I despise), Harper had a complete tantrum like I have never seen in my life. I put her in time out because I was so incredibly frustrated at her asking me if she could have toothpaste for her toothbrush (albeit, in a very whiny voice about 843 times). Did i mention I was in the middle of giving the boys a bath? They were at their peak of craziness and just about to drown each other. Harper seriously was screaming, yelling, flailing, gnashing her teeth, and gagging. I just had to let her have it out right there in the hall way while I took the boys out of the bath and set them in the playroom naked. I diapered the boys while Harper was throwing her fit. She was so worked up that even when I came out to try to be all “super nanny” mommy and talk with her she would have none of it. I decided to do laundry & get the boys their pjs. We did eventually talk & work things out; however, the story doesn’t end there…fast forward to about 45 minutes later.
The boys had their bottles, Harper finally ate dinner and she was eating milk & cookies. I was cutting everyone’s fingernails & wasn’t paying attention. Cutting fingernails is like wrestling a pig…my blood pressure is already high. Harper was whining for me to hold her again because I had a baby in my lap & it wasn’t available for her to crawl in – whining has got to be the most irritating sound on the face of the earth. How do you teach a child not to whine?! Anyway, one of the boys pulled Harper’s milk off the table (no it was not in a sippy cup – you can’t dunk cookies into a sippy cup!) and it spilled all over him (fresh & clean baby!!) and all over the carpet. I was at my breaking point and just SCREAMED AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS for a good 7 seconds. All of my children froze in fear and then all started crying. Awesome. I felt like scum for not being able to control my emotions & parent like a… eh…uh…. um...grown-up!!! Where is my self control?! Anyway, I had to apologize and ask for my childrens’ forgiveness. I put them down to bed upset at me because i seriously am out of stuff to give. I love them, i do, but I am completely exhausted. They are safe in their cribs and bed, and are now sleeping…but not without about 15 minutes of crying. I seriously thought I might go crazy.
On nights like these I do cling to the fact that His Mercies are new every morning – Lamentations 3:22-23. I take that verse to heart and I do NOT stay up late but RUN to the bed as soon as the house is somewhat put back together! (and after I vent to the blog world)
Who knows if anyone will read this…I really don’t know if this even portrays what a crazy day it was… Anyway, motherhood is not glamorous. It is hard work. Just thought you should know. Thanks for listening/reading.
Love~
ML
Edited to Add: As I was washing dishes, I started think and wanted to add that I am in no way comparing my life to someone who deals with depression. I had a mild case of postpartum depression after the boys, but nothing severe. I don’t even know if my friend was dealing with that, but I just wanted to be real and let others know that sometimes life is hard and its okay. Everyones is as sometime. We have to open up and lean on each other to get through the times.
I love you ML! Thanks so much for this blog post. I am going to share it with pretty much everyone I know. I was telling my sister-in-law tonight that I thought for a long time that I was the only Christian woman in the world that ever raised her voice at her kids. We all hate to show our weaknesses so much. Thank you so much for having the courage to do so! You have encouraged so many by doing so. His strength is made perfect in our weaknesses. Thank you so much for reminding me! You are awesome!
Thanks for pouring your heart out. Ive realized this summer how tough life really is, but God will get you through it all. he will never give you more than you can handle, although at times it does seem like a lot.
You are a strong woman and you amaze me all the time. <3 you!!
ML, thank you for sharing your heart with us. While life is not always easy it is so reassuring that the Lord has His hand upon us and loves us as His dear children. Thank you for your testimony in this situation and I am thankful that you and I have a Lord who is ENOUGH for us! Love ya!
Oh goodness, I can only imagine how difficult it must be to have 4 children, all needing you at the same time! Let me just say how THANKFUL I am for moms like you who, though you do have trying times and are not perfect, take care of your children. Who don’t take your frustration out on them. I see so many children who have been hurt (physically, mentally) by their parents and it just hurts my heart, makes me feel helpless! Thank God for His grace and mercy towards us, that HE gives us the strength to do what we need to do. I pray that when I am blessed with children that I will show patience with them and that when I don’t I will turn back to them in love and seeking forgiveness. Thank you for your sweet obedience in posting this.
(And if it makes you feel any better…one of my attending physicians says that SOMETIMES you just have to let a toddler throw a fit so they know you’re not going to give in. (-8 )
You are awesome ML!
I guess i’m one of those “50 others” mentioned above who hasn’t commented before. I’m not a mother yet (13 more weeks!) But your post was so very encouraging. I found your blog through a friend and have been following for over a year now. I figured life wasn’t always just the high points you posted but it helped to see a little of what some of those “other” times are like (and will be like!) as a mommy. Thank-you!
sharon
mary lindsey- your blog is MINISTRY! i personally read TRUTH in what you write- good or bad, funny or sad, silly or meaningful. i know i did not get to know you as well, but i always admired chris and looked up to you two as a couple. as a new mom, i love to read the variety of posts you share with your blogging world. thank you for opening your heart and sharing honest wisdom with us all. you have a beautiful heart and a beautiful family!
so precious. your blog IS a ministry, as you can see from these comments. and remember, for every 1 comment, there are probably 50 who don’t say anything :] so yes, you need to keep blogging… the good and the difficult. love you minks.
hey ML. you are great for writing. i hope unloading helped you some, and please know that everyone has days like this. every single mom worth her salt has lost it a time or two. i have written about quite a few moments like this…moments when i worry for my kids, moments when i am a bad mother, moments that aren’t all roses and butterflies. reality is that, and if you want to document life, it includes all there is to include, even if it’s more fun to remember the happy moments (and i don’t think there’s anything wrong with focusing most of your energy there either…sometimes i go back and read my own happy moments when i’m frustrated on a day like you had today). i don’t know if i’m making a point here…just thanks for your honesty, don’t be too hard on yourself, you are a wonderful mother and your children are so blessed to wake up to you each morning. and keelyn throws the same fits…hailey did too. it’s part of being two. so is the “hold me” phase. it will get easier. tomorrow’s a new day. i am so sorry for your loss as well. hugs.
Well, as you can see by the comments that you need to be “real” sometimes because in doing so you will help someone else. ML you have your own ministry by witting this blog. So be real sometimes, it also helps bring back memories for some of us who are empty nesters. I also think that it will be something you will want to go back and read later on. I wish that I had a blog when Christopher was a baby. Things I said I would never forget…I forgot. So keep on bloging when you can because I enjoy reading.
ML, thanks for this post. After losing our mutual friend, I realized the same thing. I feel like we all tend to only show the “pretty” side of mommyhood (lol, if there is one sometimes). But we (I) try to make it look like we have it all together. I, for one, definitely do not. I had one of those days the other day, as a matter of fact. And it made me realize that in a world of constant scrutiny and “perfect” expectations, people appreciate transparency and honesty.
I do not have it all together. I have those days where I would rather stay in bed and let someone else deal with it all, and days where I’m pulled in a million directions at once. But it is so encouraging to have friends and other mothers who admit they feel that way too, and can encourage each other. I wish I had done it a little more to our friend.
Thank you again for your post. It’s so good to know that our God is bigger than all our little problems. I wouldn’t be able to do it without Him!
Bless you! I have been struggling with the same thing – wanting to blog about only the happy stuff when that is not the whole reality of my life. Thank you for being real and honest about your life. I only have one baby and she’s usually so good, but sometimes I have days where I get angry with her and then I feel terrible about it. Sometimes I feel as though I am failing when it comes to juggling all the duties of managing a home and taking care of a little one and it helps knowing other moms fight the same battles!
i just re-read my comment – and i put “checking on your precious boys” – truly meant to write “precious babies” – meaning harper too!!!
mary lindsey, just so you know – i hate bath time too. it is one of the main times i feel like i am going to go crazy. then and when i get brave enough to take them into public (like chickfila to meet some of my other friends) – and it doesn’t go well – i will seriously think i’m going to have a breakdown. right there in the chickfila parking lot. i got tears in my eyes reading your post because i so know how you feel. and on harper – we have had a lot of that same problem with reese – overall has gotten better but still goes in phases – where she gets extra whiney and constantly “hold me” when she obviously sees i am like changing a diaper or holding one of the trio. lately we have been trying to really make a point to do special things one on one with her (like go get ice cream just me & her after babes go to sleep & leave them at home with daddy – or just us going grocery shopping & making a big deal about getting a prize out of the bins at the store) – sometimes that will help tone down the jealousness – for a little while! and we both enjoy it. i love keeping up with you on the blog – and checking on your precious boys! i’m here if ya ever need to talk or complain!
Mary Lindsey, Did I ever need that blog!:) I tell ya, I am right with you and I only have 1 child. You amaze me. I am sure it is the preganacy hormones, as well, but I tell you, I am right where you are today! We just got back from vacation and boy has it been a fight. Wyatt is now climbing out of the playard so we went an entire week visiting family with no nap. And as you know, we need our down time when they nap, just as much as they need the nap. He has been exhausted, throwind tantrums in retsraunts, stores, etc. Yesterday, I had my hands full coming our of target and had forgotten my stroller, so Wyatt was walking beside me. Well, he didnt want to come out of the store, while I am standing in 101 degree Texas heat. I feel so bad because he was pitching a fit while I was dragging him out with my one empty hand, and I left a mark on his arm where his skin got pinched in my fingers so tight it made a blood blister line. I was heartbroken. BUt, girl…you are awesome, and you are right on…WE ALL have our days!! Love you!
Thank you for your honesty!!! I can’t tell you how many of those days I’ve had… where I just scream and yell “I can’t do it anymore!!!” I have just started reading your blog and have never commented… but i just wanted to applaud your honesty. You have a sweet family!
Hi! I don’t know if I have commented before, but I’ve been reading your blog for a little bit. We had some mutual friends at LU, so that’s how I found it. Our kids are almost exactly the same ages, too, so it’s nice to hear that someone has the same struggles I do!
OH how I feel ya on the losing it part, and unfortunately it is way too easy and comes on so quickly we don’t even realize it! We just moved to Africa 2 months ago and the Lord has been so faithful to show me the depths of my heart. I have felt very often that it would be so much easier to be in the states with kids, but then I remember that it is all about my heart….THAT is the most important thing. The Father wants me to look more like His Son, so He is using EVERYTHING for His glory (even meltdown moments). I prayed for you this morning as I was praying for my own heart…That the Lord would give us the grace to love our children with the abundance He has loved us. And yes…aren’t we SO THANKFUL His mercies are new every morning!!
Hey, I just found your blog today, and one of the first things that hit me (after the fact that you have triplets + one!), is the fact that we have the same initials.
Anyways, thanks for your post today. I have 3 kids (7, almost 5, 2) and I can TOTALLY relate. Days like that happen around here too, and I LOSE it. I feel awful after, and I tell myself that I will not YELL ever again…til it happens the next time.
Hope you have a refreshing sleep and that tomorrow will be better. Take care of yourself.
Oh ML, I totally can relate! Traveling and reentering “home zone” is so difficult, and those days often require the most patience and consistent discipline! I’m sorry that your day was so exhausting, but everyone survived…including you! Success! Thanks for keeping it real though, friend!
Love you, your genuineness, your transparent love for the Lord, and the way you love your kids. You are a wonderful Mommy, even when you have to model repentance over sin. After all, that’s how they learn what to do before the Lord when they make a mistake…
So glad that you are blogging, the good, the bad, and the exhausting!
Sorry to hear abour your friend… my hubby just got similar news about a fellow Army buddy. Not many answers either…
Some days it is def just survival!!
I enjoyed your “real” post too! Even though I know the sweet moments are just as real…but I do pray we all continue to remember the good over the bad…and to be women, and momma’s that don’t try to one-up our awesomeness
Hi, I’m Bethany and you don’t know me but I’ve been following your blog since you had Harper. I actually came across your profile on ovusoft – my oldest is just a few months younger than Harper and our youngest is less than a month younger than your boys.
One of the reasons I follow your blog is because I feel like I can relate to you so easily — except that I just have 2 kids less than 2 years apart. 
Just recently -with the beginning of our 2nd baby walking and getting into EVERYTHING – I’ve had moments where I lose all self-control and react in a way I’m not proud of. I hate those moments but they do happen. Thank you for being real. You’re doing a great job. Keep it up!
I love your encouraging, always hopeful, always positive spirit and desire to serve the LORD in everything. You really have been an inspiration to me. But I do have to say, I’m so thankful to hear that another mommy has had nights like that.
I love you ML.