Morning sickness did not delay. Just as I was wrapping my brain around the fact that I was pregnant, the first wave of sickness knocked me to my knees again.

We did not tell the children I was expecting yet. There were many days of me laying on the couch or in my bed. I told the kids I wasn’t feeling well. I had a very intense gag reflex, and would be spitting in sinks and potties all through the day.  Peanut butter pretzels saved me and also quickly brought on the weight.

About 2 weeks after finding out, I was laying in bed one day and just felt so alone. I was crying and just so afraid. I felt so overwhelmed and didn’t see relief or sleep in sight for about 4 years. (hormones make one dramatic) I felt like I had just finished a marathon of baby raising, but instead of enjoying the finish line, I had been told to run another marathon.  I was desperate and scared.  While I would like to say I held firmly to scripture and all the promises, I was also grasping for someone who understood my desperation.  I came across an online community of pregnant women and I wrote :

Hi there! I just joined this community today in hopes of some encouragement. I found out I am expecting baby #6 about 2 weeks ago. Morning sickness has kicked in & I am very emotional, too. I have 5 other kids ages 6, 5,5,5,& 3. I was so happy to be coming out of the baby years & now it looks like I’m headed right back. I feel guilty for not being excited about this one…I have no idea how this happened other than God wanted it to! But, I’m still struggling. Will the excitement come? Would love some encouragement from mamas who have many kids- we definitely have the biggest family in my group of friends. Anyway, hi new friends!!! And thank you in advance!!!

I received so much encouragement from the women in that forum. Just knowing that I wasn’t alone comforted me greatly. Many of those women did go on to have healthy babies, and they had the same thoughts as I had. { I have to say that right after we lost our baby, I struggled with wondering if this is why I lost the baby. Did I not love him enough?  Could he feel my despair in the beginning? That mean Enemy (Satan) will do whatever he can to place blame. My thoughts did not cause us to lose the baby. So, if you are struggling to accept a pregnancy, please know that you are not alone. Keep turning those thoughts over to God. There is a great purpose in this little life you are carrying.}

I think from the shock of the pregnancy followed by morning sickness, I just had a tough time connecting with this baby. My  heart was crazy guarded.  Around 9 weeks, we went in for our first ultrasound. Chris went with me. I went into the connecting bathroom to change. As I stood in that bathroom with my bare feet on the cold wood floor, I remember praying – God, your will be done. We had experienced an early miscarriage in 2010. I think my heart was braced for finding out news like that. Guarded and not connected. However, there is nothing like seeing and hearing a heart beating for the first time. A miracle took place that day. My heart was instantly changed. Love bloomed right then and there and melted away the armor that I had built around my heart. Within an instant this baby fit into our family. This baby was ours. This baby was meant to be in our family. This baby!!! Instant hope was sparked, and the morning sickness and exhaustion was worth it.

That night we went home and shared the news with the kids. Part of me wants to show you the video of that night, another part of me cannot even bare to watch it again.  I will probably keep that video tucked close to my heart, but here is how it went down from my memory. We were at the dinner table.  The kitchen was a mess.  I felt nauseous and served chilled strawberry banana soup in our little Anthro latte bowls.  Chris shared Psalm 139 – about how we are fearfully and wonderfully made by God.  He talked to the kids about knitting. We told them that God took the time to carefully knit each of them together when they were inside my tummy.  We told them we had something to show them, and we showed them this picture and told them to guess who was in the picture.  They all guessed themselves 😉 – to which we replied no.  They guessed me and Chris…nope. no.  They were so confused.  Chris and I were laughing our heads off.

I finally said THIS BABY IS IN MOMMY’S TUMMY!!!!

Harper and Crews got it first.  Are you serious?!  Really?!  There is a baby in your tummy?!?!?  They ran over to me and hugged me and lifted up my shirt kissing my tummy.  They asked why my tummy wasn’t big yet (bless them! haha!).  They asked when the baby would be here, and how big my tummy would get.  I think one of them even ran around screaming.  Oh and Crews begged and begged to please go to the hospital so he can see the baby be born.  (Can you even handle the cuteness?!)

Everyone was so so happy! So much was redeemed that night.  Every day they would pat my tummy and talk to the baby. They were more gentle,  more cuddly and definitely kinder to me – always asking what they could get me because I didn’t feel well. (I should have told them I was expecting sooner!! LOL)

I am so thankful that God broke through the veil of my thoughts. That day will still be one I remember fondly. The day my heart melted and love and life (from all the kids) overcame despair (that this baby would be too much for me to handle). This was the day we truly welcomed baby #6 into our hearts and lives. The day we became a family of 8 in our hearts forever.