A Journey Back Through Time…. My Heart Post 1 (May 2006)

These are postings from a journal I was keeping over the past year and a half. The Lord is faithful!

5/11/06 6:40 PM
Dear God,
Thank you so much for what you are teaching me. I wanted to make sure I capture this lesson on paper because I know so many people struggle with what I am going through. I know I will also have to refer back to this because this won’t be the last time that I will feel this way!

I want a baby! I have wanted to be pregnant since Chris and I first thought I could be pregnant 2 months after we were married! Well, we weren’t. Life was then filled with many distractions – like quitting my current job and finding what I really wanted to do with my life. Learning how to be true to myself and who God made me to be (and STILL be married!) I was also falling in love with my husband all over again and again – like newlyweds are supposed to do ☺.

After we had been married a year and a half, Chris was away at a conference. Once again, I thought I could be pregnant. False alarm #2. However, when Chris came home I told him about my suspicion, and he was actually excited this time. I asked him if he wanted to “start trying.” This was going to be so much fun! We can have sex anytime we want to – no worries about getting pregnant because it’s what we were trying to do! Well month 1 passes- no baby. Month 2, I go to the doctor’s office to get my check up and he prescribes me pre-natal vitamins. I was ecstatic! I called everyone in my family just to tell them I had gotten them. Doc also says I’m healthy and all is well! Month 3 comes and goes- no baby. Okay, by now I’m thinking that this is way harder that it seems. In my mind I think- how does this just “happen” in the back of a car?!? Or, how in the world do people just start to try and WHAM they’re pregnant!?!

It is now January, and Chris and I decide that we will wait until summer to try again. Well, February comes around and we do fine with not “trying.” Then March comes around and somehow we are bitten with the baby bug again. I just know in my mind this is going to be the month I get pregnant. I even figure out the due date (it would be Christmas day)– can you tell I’m obsessed? (Even as I write this I’m rolling my eyes at myself!) I think this will be perfect for all of us– Christmas here in Atlanta AND a new baby on the way. I’m sure you can only imagine half of the devastation I had when I woke up to discover that I WAS NOT pregnant! Even though I wasn’t pregnant, this month was important for me and Chris because I was able to communicate with him how much my emotions get wrapped up and involved with becoming a mom. I feel like I’m riding a wave of “okay, I’m fine if I don’t get pregnant – it’s in God’s hands” to “oh, maybe this could be the month” to “am I okay? Maybe Chris and I have infertility problems” to quietness and tears just to start the entire cycle over again. April rolls around and I decide I’m going to use the Fertility Awareness Method (charting and checking) for “birth control” – yeah right. I totally used it to see when I was fertile. While it was fun (if you know what I mean) – I still had this little gnawing desire in me… please get pregnant, please get pregnant.

One thing I have noticed as I have read and re-read this journal entry is that I continually say “pregnant” Only once did I say that I wanted to become a mom. Pregnant and Mom are two totally different things! Just like Bride and Wife are two totally different things. Society places so much focus on being a bride and preparing for the wedding just as it does being pregnant and preparing for the birth. HELLO where are the other 50 years of your life in being a Wife and a Mom. Those two things are way harder and way harder to get out of than just being a bride or being pregnant!!!!!!!

Well, even though my period still hasn’t arrived just yet – its due this weekend- I know that God is guiding me through this. However, life has its way of trying to throw a few punches, though. Like this – my nice outlook on life was chipped at again when Chris’ mom came to me and said- oh, by the way, Penny (Chris’ 44 year old aunt who just got married in January) IS PREGNANT! Oh joy – just what I wanted to hear! Not to mention, my neighbors – who wear NOT trying to get pregnant- got pregnant the month we started trying. They were quite shocked about this – the baby is a girl and she is due in July. Oh, and their best friends are due in June. Then, in January I find out the about 3-4 couples in our newlywed Sunday School class are pregnant. Why are women who are trying to get pregnant, magnets to pregnant women?!?! So, I have had just about all I can take. 6 months of trying and no baby.

Well, God has taught me so much this week. He has taught me so much in His Word and through wise counsel. This morning I woke up and felt like I had a storm raging inside me. I sat down on the couch and started to read Proverbs. I felt like I was reading a text book. (Yes even Christians sometime struggle with the Bible). I just sat the Bible down and asked God to speak to me. I needed to hear His voice. I remembered the passage in the Gospels that told about Jesus calming the storm – that was exactly what I needed! I started in Luke and read what Jesus’ words were to the disciple’s fear and worry. He said “Where is your faith?” uuummmm OUCH- well, God, you didn’t have to be so direct in speaking to my heart. (Actually, yes he did!) Then in Matthew he says “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then in Mark it said, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”

Oh, Jesus, I thought. Where is my faith. I have been depending so much on me. I’ve been trying every trick in the book. But I know LIFE doesn’t come from a book – it comes from YOU. Children are a blessing from the Lord – not just an afterthought! I thought about these verses for a moment and then remembered that Hebrews 11 was all about faith. The Hall of Faith in fact! “Now faith is being SURE of what we hope for and CERTAIN of what we do not see.” (HEB.11:1) Each person that is told about in Chapter 11 had something that he/she could not see and was not certain of, but because they depended on God to see them through – according to HIS PLAN, they were deemed “FAITH heroes.” I went on to read the rest of the chapter out loud, and on into Heb.12. Vs. 1 of chapter 12 says: “Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, [all the people talked about in Chapter 11], let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.” Two things that stuck out to me in this verse. #1 – I’ve always focused on the “sin that so easily entangles us” and not the “everything that hinders” part. But let me tell you how I was hit between the eyes with that! Bowled over and encouraged! This focus and desire of mine was totally hindering my life! Chris spoke on surviving vs. thriving last night and I have been surviving because this desire was sucking the life out of me. My happiness revolved around it. I needed to throw that off! #2- “The race marked out for us.” God has a plan for each of our lives – they are not the same, but they are all used for His glory. These past few months I have been doing the planning and letting God in on my plan – just FYI that’s not how it works best!- Last night, Chris also shared Jeremiah 29:11 which has always been one of my favorite verses “For I know the plans I have for you” declares the LORD. “Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” He has a plan for my life, but I’ve got to abide in Him in order to know what those plans are! (John 15) I’m turning it over to Him. He is in charge. Whatever He desires for our life. I still have my desires, but I know He will be there are see me through with His plans – remember hope and a future, prosper-not harm! God is also using this time to teach us about preparation with finances, too. We have much to do. My desire is still there to be a Mom, but I just wanted to record that God can meet us where we are without answering our prayers exactly the way we want Him to. I am still in the middle of the race and haven’t gotten to the “finish line” yet. But I know I will. God will see me through. What happens in my life on earth is for God’s glory. He has given me certain desires, and I know he cares deeply about my desires. He is growing me and making me trust Him more. He knows I so deeply desire a surprise and a miraculous story. I have always desired twins, but know that He will never give me more that I can handle. The house is so quiet right now. One day I know I will be longing for the quietness I am hearing right now. I will be longing for the sleep I get right now as well as the small loads of laundry and small grocery bill we have right now. I write this because I know my God is faithful. He met me right where I was. I just had to have a little faith in Him.

“He replied, “Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20-21

I do not write this to say that you must have more faith in order to receive what your heart desires. I am writing this to tell you that you must have faith to trust God for His plan in your life. He is the one in control. He wants to bless you. Just remember true life is about the GIVER not the gift.