The next morning I woke up so peaceful. My heart was heavy, but I was so thankful I didn’t have to deliver. I must say I did struggle with my decision a little bit, though. Would we have been able to hold our baby? Would it have brought more closure? Would we have been able to say goodbye? After a tearful conversation with Chris and my Mom, we knew that our baby boy was with Jesus. It would be his body we could say goodbye to if I had decided to deliver, but not his soul, his personality. As guided by my midwife and doctor, we would not know the shape that little body would be in after being passed away for about 6 weeks. Saying goodbye is hard no matter what. I have to lean on that peace that was so tangible the night before when this option was offered to me, as well as the truth that I know this little one is with Jesus now.
We had to be at the hospital by 10am. I couldn’t eat because I would be having surgery. I was just jittery and nervous as I finished getting things ready. All the kids hugged our baby goodbye and told me and Chris goodbye, too.
We got to the hospital and did a lot of waiting. We finally settled into a room to get prepped about 12:15. We watched a little HGTV and texted the kids. I told them I would be home around dinner time and I couldn’t wait to hug each of them while Mommy gets better. I have had a D&C before (with another early miscarriage) , so I thought I knew a little about the recovery and what to expect. My IV was started and I was given a cool hat, gown, and yellow socks.
The doctor came in and we were able to talk a little bit about the procedure. He assured me that it was safe to do all the way up to 20 weeks. That pained my heart because all I could think was about abortions. Not that this is the way you have an abortion, but maybe it is? Maybe it is one way? I don’t know. I was just so overwhelmed by the grief of it all. My heart ached for any women in this position who had to say goodbye to a life. Because no matter if you believe this is a life or not, you cannot argue the fact that your life was effected by the (“embryo, fetus, fetal tissue”), baby that lived inside of you. An impression was made because for however long you carried this life, you carried a soul. And for that, the world will always be changed because that tiny little life changed it’s mother’s heart.
Whether that mama chose life or not…regardless, that life impacted hers for eternity. It could have made her feel bitter or angry. It could have made her feel shameful. It could have made her feel excited and hopeful. Whatever it may be… it imprinted her heart. And as a woman, we all know if we are feeling any of those emotions above we are going to affect those around us! A soul, no matter how small, will never leave this world the same. I would like to ask a mother who may be contemplating the inconvenience, the life change, the shame that she think this baby may bring… Would you reconsider? Would you allow this little life to have it’s full impression on this world? It will be for the better.
I’m so very thankful to know Jesus and the peace that He brings. Without it, I would have no where to anchor all those emotions.
As I continued to talk to the doctor, I was given some of the wisest advice that really aided in my healing. I asked if I would I be okay to fly in a week or so because my sister was having her first baby? He looked at me and said – “It is really hard to feel two emotions at one time, and you have a big emotion of grief and sadness to deal with.” (Yep, I started crying.) He guided me to rest at home and allow those emotions to begin to process before going to see my sister and her sweet baby. He said to wait about a month, and then go. I cannot tell you how invaluable those words were to me. I wanted to be with my sister desperately. I loved that sweet baby inside her dearly, but I also needed to value my heart and allow it to heal.
Chris and I prayed together after the doctor left the room. I was nervous, but okay. I was wheeled back to the OR. The last thing I remember was laying back and having the mask placed over my nose. I wanted to close my eyes, but I kept making myself keep them open to make sure they didn’t start anything too soon! hah! And the next thing I knew, I was waking up to beeping machines and sweet nurses….