blogs can be deceiving. I never want mine to be one of the deceiving ones. It is so hard for me to pick out what I want to write down from our days. Just like many of you, I choose the good memories or the funny memories to blog about because those are the ones i want to remember. Sometimes I think I want to blog about the tough ones, but then i feel like I’m complaining. Which, if I’m honest, sometimes I want to complain.
I write this because my heart is hurting for a friend who lost her life recently. I went to high school with her and many rumors are flying all around about how she lost her life. I have come to the conclusion that we probably won’t know the details this side of heaven. And honestly, once we are in the presence of the Savior the whys won’t matter anymore. He will be enough. He is enough. I am pretty sure she is there now – in His presence, and that gives me comfort.
I am writing this post because I hurt to think that my life on this blog hurt my friend’s life at all. The enemy so wants to use small ways to cut us down and hurt us…to make us doubt that we are worth nothing. One way I think he does that is by comparison. Blogs lend themselves to that. Most bloggers that I know are moms, and sometimes, i have to say, its hard for me not to compare myself to them, to you. I have to watch my train of thought and look at them as examples to follow, not to cut down on what I am or am not doing.
So, I just want to be real tonight. I have had a stinking hard three days, and it all came unraveling this afternoon. We’ve been in the re-entry phase of travel. If you have traveled with small children, you know this phase lasts just about as long as your trip did (2 1/2 weeks for us). Also, let me add that it’s Wednesday, and Chris won’t be home until late due to back to school kickoff. That already starts my day off peachy. I try to stand tall through the day, but i start withering around 4 knowing backup aint coming through the door. Okay, the scene is set.
So, back to the afternoon…Harps has wanted me to hold her ever since we got home from NC. Like not put her down. Ever. She was very sick in NC & I did a lot of holding there, but her brothers are getting much more mobile, not to mention are almost as big as she is, so jealousy is there, too.
After telling her no i couldn’t hold her for the millionth time, she wouldn’t eat dinner because I was giving my attention to the boys to make sure they were eating dinner. I decided to not fight this battle and take her out of her seat. Why She could eat later…kids eat when their hungry. After the boys ate they were covered head to toe in food, so I declared it bath time. Don’t get me wrong, I seem like I used great wisdom here, but I continued to feed the boys while giving Harper the cold shoulder. Really? Why am I acting like I am 14 to my 2 year old?!?
During bath time (which you know I despise), Harper had a complete tantrum like I have never seen in my life. I put her in time out because I was so incredibly frustrated at her asking me if she could have toothpaste for her toothbrush (albeit, in a very whiny voice about 843 times). Did i mention I was in the middle of giving the boys a bath? They were at their peak of craziness and just about to drown each other. Harper seriously was screaming, yelling, flailing, gnashing her teeth, and gagging. I just had to let her have it out right there in the hall way while I took the boys out of the bath and set them in the playroom naked. I diapered the boys while Harper was throwing her fit. She was so worked up that even when I came out to try to be all “super nanny” mommy and talk with her she would have none of it. I decided to do laundry & get the boys their pjs. We did eventually talk & work things out; however, the story doesn’t end there…fast forward to about 45 minutes later.
The boys had their bottles, Harper finally ate dinner and she was eating milk & cookies. I was cutting everyone’s fingernails & wasn’t paying attention. Cutting fingernails is like wrestling a pig…my blood pressure is already high. Harper was whining for me to hold her again because I had a baby in my lap & it wasn’t available for her to crawl in – whining has got to be the most irritating sound on the face of the earth. How do you teach a child not to whine?! Anyway, one of the boys pulled Harper’s milk off the table (no it was not in a sippy cup – you can’t dunk cookies into a sippy cup!) and it spilled all over him (fresh & clean baby!!) and all over the carpet. I was at my breaking point and just SCREAMED AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS for a good 7 seconds. All of my children froze in fear and then all started crying. Awesome. I felt like scum for not being able to control my emotions & parent like a… eh…uh…. um...grown-up!!! Where is my self control?! Anyway, I had to apologize and ask for my childrens’ forgiveness. I put them down to bed upset at me because i seriously am out of stuff to give. I love them, i do, but I am completely exhausted. They are safe in their cribs and bed, and are now sleeping…but not without about 15 minutes of crying. I seriously thought I might go crazy.
On nights like these I do cling to the fact that His Mercies are new every morning – Lamentations 3:22-23. I take that verse to heart and I do NOT stay up late but RUN to the bed as soon as the house is somewhat put back together! (and after I vent to the blog world)
Who knows if anyone will read this…I really don’t know if this even portrays what a crazy day it was… Anyway, motherhood is not glamorous. It is hard work. Just thought you should know. Thanks for listening/reading.
Edited to Add: As I was washing dishes, I started think and wanted to add that I am in no way comparing my life to someone who deals with depression. I had a mild case of postpartum depression after the boys, but nothing severe. I don’t even know if my friend was dealing with that, but I just wanted to be real and let others know that sometimes life is hard and its okay. Everyones is as sometime. We have to open up and lean on each other to get through the times.